[Orchids & Onions] The right brew can be worth a plaster or two

Much younger and possibly somewhat more attractive than I am these days, I found myself in a really uncomfortable situation. Not long to South Africa and interested in the developing politics of the right wing, I found myself the only reporter who bothered to cover the Transvaalse Landbou Unie (Transvaal Agricultural Union) annual conference in the City Hall in Pretoria.

I was clearly the object of attention, sitting alone at the pers bank (press table) right at the front of the hall, facing the audience. And that audience was interesting. Around 90 percent of the men were wearing khaki and all were enormous. Many were angry. They regarded then-President FW de Klerk as a veraaier (traitor) who was giving away their country… and they regarded a young snotkop from the Engelse pers (English press) with similar disdain.

The wives, however, were another matter. To be honest, I have not been lusted over many times in my life, but I noticed a good few of the women – and very attractive ones, not your stereotypic tannie-in-crimplene – were giving me the eye. Hungrily.

Ordinarily, they would be flattering. In those circumstances, it was simply frightening. Were I to be caught by a husband returning those lingering looks, the last thing I would probably have remembered before ending up in the casualty ward would have been something like Wat soek jy met my vrou? (What do you want with my wife?) I kept my eyes strictly down.

So, when I saw the latest George Clooney funny ad for Nespresso, I had a wry smile. Could have been me, Boet…

Screengrabs from the ad

We see the immensely charming Mr Clooney again taking a foaming Nespresso from the machine when an attractive woman walks up, also wanting a coffee. They share a few words, a smile or two… which is enough to spark the interest and ire of two burly minders.

They pounce within seconds and whisk George away, still clutching his bag of Nespresso capsules. He’s presented to the boss, a London East End gangster lookalike, who asks him, roughly, what do you want with my wife?

Then looking at the Nespresso bag, the boss asks George what he is going to do to make him happy again… and looks meaningfully at the bag. No way! George clutches the Nespresso closer to him and then we see him being dragged out of the mansion unceremoniously, face down and hitting his forehead and nose on every step.

Next we see him taking another brew – suitably patched up. The message is clear: Nespresso – you wouldn’t change a thing. And that it’s worth getting pummelled for. It’s humorous and it gets across the point that Nespresso is special – as do all of the brand’s ads… So, an Orchid to Nespresso.

I realise that getting abused is the default mode in South African society, but if you – as a shopping centre – annoy me, then I’m not going back. That’s why The Zone@Rosebank shouldn’t count on seeing me anytime soon.

I went there the other day for a late afternoon meeting and on the way out decided to go to the toilet. The first one was closed. After a longer wander around, I found another one… but was rudely told by cleaning staff “this is closed”.

I was directed to the other side of the centre, where what looked like the last loo was still open, but a gaggle of cackling cleaning ladies made it plain to the few men going in and out that they had better hurry… closing time was about to be called.

Closing your toilets simultaneously before 5.30pm, even when there are shops (and restaurants) still open, is bound to make people angry. But, wait… there’s more!

At the pay station for the underground parking, I discovered the machine could only take coins and R10 and R20 notes. R50s and R100s were not accepted. In this day and age when ATMs frequently only pay out R100 notes?

Fortunately, a guitar player with an eye for business was offering hapless customers change… and making a nice bit of money on the side. Nowhere was there any signage to indicate an apology or where one might find alternative toilets or break a R100 note.

That’s an insult to your customers. So The Zone@Rosebank gets a Double Onion from the ATM (Angry Transaction Machine).

And the guitar man won’t even have to break it…

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